awhile.

it's been a while since i updated. too long for a while.

and i find myself back here as a form of seeking comfort from within.

I think i've changed so much since i last updated. my heart my mind all being ruled differently. things have been good and bad. and I find myself lost once again.

similarity? maybe.

I wanna close my eyes. and breathe again.

again.

TheNeverEnd.

Chapter 82

They walked. as a measured distance became indirectly clear.
He spoke to no 0ne.
She looked away.

They walked. It never ended.
the road.

Yet they knew the same thing.
with different reactions.
the road would end, and end in which he fell into a hole.
A vision.
as she walked on alone with a smile on her face.

He would fall.
He knew it.

HappinessInWhatDoesn'tMatter.

Hell if I do want to care.
Hell if I don't.
My mind is so fucked.
What if I call you my own?

I tear away at every split end,
the heart is not beating anymore.
Just cause it is so afraid.
I don't wanna to fall at all.

Hell if I do care.
Hell if I won't.
Happiness in what doesn't matter.
Emptiness in whatever does.
did.

JustBecause.

You won't know when I ache,
and when I do,
I hide my face and my sorrows.
from you. from you.

You might think that I'm alright
But when a fire fails to burn right.
it burns and consumes you,
whole.

I smile to say i'm ok.
It's not about me anymore, any way.
Yet I wished it was. but to do so is a sin,
I can't always commit.

This thirst is unquenchable,
and it statiates for your love.
one unrequited,
like a fake mirror that fails to reflect.

It aches like a knife,
within the heart, moving
in circles to carve a pattern of emptiness.
and all that everything longs for,
is just those three words.

You can't say.
You can't do.
You can't feel.
You can't anything.
You can't anymore.

and so you said. you said.
if only you knew the extent of how bad it cuts,

LikeACutInTheHeart.

Chapter 16.



She told him that it didn't matter anymore.
It confirmed his insecurities.

A leaf flew out of the stack he had kept. stumbled on the floor. face down.

it hurt that she didn't care. yet alone bother to say anything else.
"take care" - the final words.

He tumbled down, his mind losing hope. his lungs losing breath. This was the nightmare he had been avoiding.

He bit on the snake before. he knew that clearly. yet something overwhelming had come upon him.

He trembled. morphing into fits. hysteria. How had he failed?
It was the sufferer and his love. to suffer for love was one. to ache and pain in the process, and wrenching his own heart countless times was another.
The silence of the oppressed forced him not to say anything else.

Please. Don't.

The words found its way out. He lay there, in uncomfortable straits.

All else that she did was to turn back. and kicked him in the heart.
and go on.

the heart was numb. it had been. yet within this numbness lay the fine cracks of passion. passion that broke apart.
Hell was on earth. and earth was in hell.
He contemplated. and begged again. and again. never letting go.
She tried her best to shake him off. running, screaming, hurling.

In the end she gave up.
yes. she did not commit.

He smiled though. as he took it up for a gamble.
a gamble that had failed before. but he had learned.

the oppressed will always be silenced.
and the silenced, always oppressed.
He lay back as she walked away.
insecurities still plagued his heart, but what is a quarter against none.

he was silent.

EverythingElse.

The window clears after the rain.

It's been raining for so long. He said, as he stared into her souless eyes.
No response escapes from those lips of hers. Pale was her complexion.

The frost remains on those windows though, reminding him of the time where she once spoke.
Happier times. Supposedly.

He knelt down in solitude and prayed. On her, for her.
It was all he knew how to do. For the moment now to say the least.

Grant me the strength he whispered.
She carressed his hair. Yet there was something different about it.

It wasn't her skin, her touch or her breath.
She got up and walked through the door. For the last time.

He got up too. But chose to walk a different direction in the last minute.
His eyes welled up, his lungs inflamed from the constant screams from the past few days.

She left. He left. the world.

UsedTo.

I used to love you,
and cherish every moment,
till it ended, till it died,
I remembered every line that came from you.

Now you've decided to fade,
glamorously.
Slithering into the light.
And I embrace the fact that I still do feel the actual way I did.
Maybe I am a fool.

Blue?
I tell you black is the colour of
Songs and poems and jaded thoughts.
An apple once bitten never tastes the same.

I thought, I dreamt, I thought I saw you,
Its's ok you said,
and all the sweet memories turned bitter into the unknown.
Tempt fate once, again yet again.
Yet your memory stays the same.

Different colour,
different taste,
same person,
different grace.

I still remembered you.

Sleepless.

Sleepless Hue

A plague upon my thoughts.

Sleepless nights to sleep upon,

freckled to look like a fraud.

I can speak a thousand words,

yet only lie a hundred lies,

as my thoughts betray my actions,

as my actions betray my thoughts.

In one crimson spot.

To survive,

oh to survive,

in a mangled mess.

Yet I tangle myself in to feel more secure.

And the spineless cow misses me again.

I choked in vines of green.

I look upon the stars,

for guidance from the constellations.

Karma in the form of you.

In every form,

in a shade of a blue hue.

You became a shard in me,

piercing my lungs,

piercing my eyes,

piercing my tongue,

piercing my heart.

Yet a blackened memory to livid.

I remember you,

I remembered you.

I was trying to,

but you shattered in two.

HateAll.

These eyes will see through you,

will bleed through you,

yet i'll use thine eyes to see the truth.

This fight, is only mine,

as I step pass the line.

This is the word that breeds,

and here is the fall that shines.

The sacrifice of blood is what I'll keep.

Where all you haters sink, I shall feed.

Don't try to escape the struggle,

for all that culminates for tomorrow.

This is the world that lies,

a world where the fakes say goodbye.

The words is final as I seal my lips,

as I know the only thing that stays is me.

I am now the defined,

the hated and the unsuppressed.

Can this moment pay off?
With all the knifes in my back?

Yet what was done was done so sweetly,

I guess it has been decided,

and the only three words I have to say to you are

Fuck you now.

TheWordsAreSpoken.

A lingering thought through contentment,

words slip from the bottom lip.

Silence is not always golden,

actions that sashayed with the hips.

Violet vases all around,

love on its broken glass.

Crimson is not the word you chose to speak,

but murmurs of vapour from crass to class.

On angel's wings we once believed,

yet things are too far too hard.

Those were the belongings we chose to keep,

so the past shall stay the past.

100.

This is the end,
ye devils say.
This is when I know i'll be slayed.

Sin the first,
thus for the sin again,

torn in tethers by thy powers insane.

Call the crime,
henceforth cry by the line,
now's the first as the last one is framed.

Tripping on monologues,

voices in my head,
is this a beginning of the death of my name?

TheSearch.

Counting days and imagining numbers,
and the veins of my eyes with an outcry of blood.
I breathed in too hard,
too deep as I draw blanks,
I forgot to breathe out.

Entering the gates that beckon,
visionaries, missionaries speak.
They tell you of the life you once lived,
raving in the moment,
dying for the latter.

Spiraling downwards to a perception of life,
fire at my feet.
He proclaims that this is the first,
the course of the origin,
like the finest steel breeds from fire.
I stood in disillusionment.

They throw me up,
force feeding me the mouth of the recipient.
I return to despair.
Breathing out,
bleeding in,
bleeding out.

Numb to the sense,
numb to perceive,
as every bone crackled at me.
Thus the question.
Why am I still alive?

n-joi

Imagine.Thoughts.

The little things,
like a smile, or a wave of a hand,
sweet thoughts,
its ecstasy that runs in my brain,
like the wind from the ceiling fan.

I could deal with a little silliness,
I could sit down and whine,
drink some sweet honey,
and munch on nectarines,
yes nectarines are fine.

If the night permits,
i'll rip out a little star,
and if it be bright enough,
if it be kind,
you can use your camera,
and compare it with your smile that shines.

You can play the piano,
and i'll strum my guitar,
we'll compose our thoughts together,
maybe pen a word or two,
maybe it'll last forever,
just me and you.

So let it all go now,
the worries and the frown,
close your eyes for this one moment,
but don't look down.

Just smile.

n-joi

FullStop.

A levels are a bitch.

TheySaidIt.

If breathing is the obstacle,
then life is but death.
If nothing is but a term,
then something is but imprisonment.
If being is choosing to achieve,
then seeing is choosing to go on.
But when living is the only choice,
then we fall to forever.

KillingThem.

Selling my soul and my belief,
to kiss the one's devil by its feet.
And bow down to humiliation and shame,
for manipulated gratification,
for incarnate gains.

The will speaks to the heat,
of the reasons that decide deceit.
Now the noises seem to end,
into a rousing chorus that is harder to fend,
it breaks, it aches, it breaks.

Simultaneous solidification of the meaning the words,
tearing beyond logic,
finite finished verse.
The tale of one soul condemned to eternity,
one of happiness to do what the devil bids him.
Life farewell, formulas of hell.

A. A. A. A. A.

Killswitch.

Today, I GOT MY KILLSWITCH ENGAGE CD + DVD PACK! lol.

Had already listened to the songs in the album before it actually came out. The wonders of the internet. So here is my review.

If you're a KSE fan for the longest time, you'll probably like it, but not as much as the previous albums like The End Of Heartache, or maybe even Alive or Just Breathing.

With the highest expectations set up, especially after The End Of Heartache, it is really tough to fully appreciate this. They said this album would be different, even with Adam D being a co-producer instead of the producer, and venturing into a new sound. Well they did, and they did it pretty well.

If you're a first timer to KSE, listening to this record would probably make you drool. LOL.

I loved the songs in this latest album to a large extent, wishing that some songs had a bit more to it. But after listening to it a couple more times, I think it sounds good the way it is. Songs like Starting Over, Take Me Away, Save Me delivers what I loved about KSE. The romantic lyrics of falling in or out or even being in love. Yet with songs like The Reckoning, Never Again and The Forgotten, KSE shows their heavy impact. Though not up to their old standards, this album is pretty darn good.

It's been playing in my MP3 for more than a week now. LOL. I have yet to see the DVD and hear the 4 bonus tracks, which I will update later, but i'm really hoping for MORE ADAM D ANTICS. lol. A KSE DVD without him is like Chicken Rice without the chili sauce (I don't like it. LOL.), as seen in his disappearance at the 2007 Download Festival. LOL. their 2009 Download appearance was good by the way. LOL.

In all, I like this album. And it makes me happy. KSE FTW!

n-joi

on the side note, i've started driving lessons. and it is damn fun. Also Mid years have ended and it doesnt look ALL TOO GOOD. lol. ;p

Transformed.

I just came back today from watching Transformers 2, Revenge of the Fallen.

and it kinda sucked.

It was like watching the whole first movie again. The new added character's were given little screen time, or sometimes just didn't make sense. here is my analysis.

Yes, transformer fans would know who the fallen is, and know that he has only been mentioned two to three times in Transformers history. To make it worse, THEY HAD TO MAKE THE FALLEN LOOK LIKE SHIT. I MEAN, WHAT WAS WITH HIS SCEPTER? BULL. CRAP. AND GAY.

Jetfire/Skyfire is supposed to be cool. NOT SOME OLD HAGGARD SHIT. It was cool he and Optimus linked up. that was about it.

Ironhide, one of the nicest looking characters in the movie version had SO LITTLE SCREEN TIME. AND HE HAD TO BACK SAM UP LIKE THE FIRST MOVIE. I MEAN, COME ON MAN?!!?!

Optimus Prime got more screen time, that was rad. BUT before he got "killed" he was seen cruising with a WHOLE JEAN GANG OF AUTOBOTS. WHERE WERE THEY!??!!? And his ABOUT A MINUTE TRASHING OF THE FALLEN, STARSCREAM AND MEGATRON WAS THE EPIC OF ALL GAYNESS. ESPECIALLY SINCE THE WHOLE FINAL FIGHT SCENE HAD GONE ON FOREVER.

SOUNDWAVE IS MY FAVOURITE DECEPTICON. AND WHAT DID THEY DO TO HIM. NOTHING. HE WAS JUST SOME STUPID SATELLITE STUCK UP THERE IN SPACE. YES, the idea of him releasing Ravage was wicked. BUT HE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING ELSE. AND HIS VOICE SHOULD HAVE BEEN MORE G1 like. HE OF ALL DECEPTICONS SHOULD HAVE BEEN GIVEN A PIVOTAL ROLE.

DEMOLISHER was as UGLY AS HELL. how did he go from a small excavator to A BLARDY HUGE BOT?!!?!

How bout Devastator, or the constructicons. he was cool as hell. BUT HOW DID HE DIE? He got blasted by some lame ass shitty laser thingy. THAT WAS GAY.

Mudflap and Skids were so cool. Especially when they fought with Devastator. BUT WHAT HAPPENED TO THEM?! NO ONE KNOWS. WELL DONE.

And here is to all the other autobots and decepticons who had little to no screen time thanks to Megan Fox and Shia Lebeouf. OH, and the soldiers, that goverment guy, the army military fighting scenes etc etc.

AND YES, about them.

They WERE SO TRYING TO PUT MEGAN FOX IN THE HOT AND SEXY POSITION. WELL GUESS WHAT. THEY FAILED. what made megan fox so hot in the first movie was the naturalness of her beauty. This time it was SO EXAGGERATED.

And SCREW THE MILITARY. THEY DID BULL IN THE MOVIE. IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT TRANSFOMERS FIGHTING. NOT THE MILITARY. THEY HAD SOME UNKNOWN DECEPTICONS FIGHTING AT THE END. YOU KNOW WHO YOU COULD HAVE REPLACED THAT WITH. YOU KNOW WHO?!?!! HOW BOUT FREAKING SOUNDWAVE!?!?!?! OR SHOCKWAVE!?!?! damn it.

PLUS the ending fighting scene was SOOOOOOOOOOOO DRAGGY. AND SOOOOOOOOOOO NAGGY AND SOOOOOOOO LONG.

And for all our sakes, PLEASE HAVE MORE ROBOT FIGHTING SCENES. NOT human vs robots or planes vs robots.

Ok. but there were some good parts.

Mudflap and Skids. Wheelie. The intel guy at the Butcher store. The parents of Sam. Jetfire and Optimus combining. How potentially obscene the combination of the constructicons looked. Ironhide. Soundwave actually being able to appear. Optimus's extra screen time. Bumblebee's fighting scene at the final fight.

In all, this was worse than the first movie. probably a 5/6 out of 10.

LONG LIVE SOUNDWAVE. DECEPTICONS SUPERIOR!

StartingOver.

LoveLost

Every moment, every second.
A tragic tale for a tragic lie.
The bluntness of a fragile heart.
That beats beyond yonder.

A heartbeat, a stoned heart.
See what words won't measure.
Look beside the color green.
Carmine and Burgundy.

And so ends,
the end.
For it must die,
to return again...

or so she said.

RomanticNotions.

Stream of consciousness.
The standing of the test of time.
Lesser words.
But with the sudden inclination.
Quiet minutes.
Alike minds.
Pleasant surprises that ride.
Nothing more than a smile or two.
Heartbeats that tremble.
Breaths that fuse.
Looking deeper between the eyes.
One word or two.
Romantic notions.
For one to peruse.